Lucky Horoscopes for Next week

[Gypsy]

Uncle Gypsy will be enjoying a spiritual retreat for the next few days, channeling the ancient mystics in the clean, pure air and sunshine of the High Himalayas.

So here are next week's Lucky Horoscopes.

Capricorn
22 December – 19 January
Jupiter rising in Mars’ house warns you to be wary of itinerant jazz musicians. The Vicar’s wife is coming round; hide the sherry. Better still, just hide.
Romance: a world of opportunity for Capricorns so be discerning. Remember, unlike some signs, you have standards.
Lucky Lamp: Black Anglepoise
Lucky Lawn-Edger: Black and Decker


Aquarius
20 January – 18 February
Travel is well starred for the weekend, please remember to wear trousers this trip. On a positive note Jupiter in ascendance means that you are likely to get off with a fine and a warning following the Sausage Roll Incident..
Lucky Picture: The Haywain
Lucky Osteopath: Herr Grunwald next to Smiths in the High Street

Pisces
18 February – 20 March
Venus falling in the west reminds us of the dream where you are running naked through town being chased by a 5 ft high Doughball.. Well, it isn’t a dream for Pisceans, take special care on Tuesday. If you see a 5 ft high Doughball, run before it steals your clothes.
Good music and bad singing are well starred for Thursday.
Lucky Bird: Cuckoo
Lucky Household object: Pencil case

Aries
21 March – 19 April
The interaction of the equinox and Jupiter rising means that you will be caught by the TV detector van on Thursday. Intelligence is not among Aries strengths, but even you should have been able to put the cheque in the envelope and post it. Yes, with a stamp.
Romance: If I tell you that you will meet a tall, dark, handsome man,will you believe me? Really? Did it happen last time?
Lucky Cake: Dundee (Hint to Aries: it’s in Scotland)
Lucky Water: Vittel

Taurus
20 April – 20 May
Business is well starred this week so throw caution to the wind and invest in that mushroom farm. Electronic appliances continue to cause trouble on Tuesday.
Lucky LP: In The Court Of The Crimson King by King Crimson
Lucky Anenome: Blue

Gemini
21 May – 21 June
Mercury will disrupt that Potluck Supper you had planned for Tuesday, but not as much as your Aries friends who arrive on Wednesday.
Lucky Handyman: Vacuum Cleaner Repair Man
Lucky Car: Studebaker Hawk

Cancer
22 June – 22 July
Your new venture as a Dance Teacher got off to a shaky start with Mars declining in the west, but stick at it, success is just around the corner. So is a very fierce dog, so I wouldn’t go there. Midweek is the time for romance so seek out your partner, tear off your clothes and express your desire as only you can.
Lucky Foodstuff: Whipped Cream
Lucky Side Dish: Devilled Artichoke

Leo
23 July – 22 August
CeramicTile adhesive figures strongly in your charts for this week, whether throwing out that old tub that has been hanging around in the garage with the strange coloured water on top or mixing up a new batch and attacking the outside toilet again.
Lucky Kettle: Russell Hobbs
Lucky Hydrangea: Pink

Virgo
23 August – 22 September
If ever a star sign set out to make life difficult for themselves it is you lot. Your best bet: sleep all week. Do not get up. Hide.
Lucky Bird: Dodo
Lucky Ice Cream: Pistachio

Libra
23 September – 23 October
You have been struggling with the dancing classes for some time now. Time to give up? Mercury thinks so. Stick to Battle Games and Dungeons and Dragons.
Lucky Bass Guitar: Rickenbacker
Lucky Cheese: Bel Paese

Scorpio
24 October – 21 November
Animal attraction is strong on Sunday, so perhaps a visit to the zoo is unwise.
The autumn equinox and Mercury falling means that your left elbow will continue to cause you pain on Wednesday.
Lucky Chef: Nigella
Lucky Television: Samsung

Sagittarius
22 November – 21 December
Lego features strongly around the middle of the week as Mercury disappears from your birthsign. Local TV will interview you on Wednesday about your continued problems with restaurant staff.
Romance: That beautiful girl you sit next to on the metro will tip her coffee over you. She is a waitress.
Lucky Pendulum:Foucault’s
Lucky Airport: Koln-Bonn

Horoscopes brought to you courtesy of Gypsycorp Horoscope Trust, a subsidiary of Gypsycorp Cayman Islands which is a Not For Profit Organisation established to protect and care for expensive luxury automobiles, motor yachts and young ladies.